I’ve always struggled with forgiveness. In the past, I certainly never forgave someone without talking it out; and by talking it out I mean I got to explain over and over what they did wrong, ask them why they might have done it and expressed (over and over) why I was so upset about whatever mishap might have occurred. If they got two words in between mine, they were lucky.
While I still like to talk things through, I try to be extremely conscious of giving the other person their space as well. Typically, both sides need to do a little explaining, question asking, and forgiving. As a bossy, control freak, perfectionist Virgo, it isn’t always easy for me, but we’re all works in progress.
I’ve recently been doing some in-depth healing with my friend Lais Stephan of Abundant Chicks, and it has been intense. I’ve discovered that a person who I have the most frustration with in this life also had some karmic connections to me and an overwhelming 14 cords attached to various points, but primarily my solar plexus.
Whew! No wonder why I struggle so much with forgiving this person- I have been forever attached to them! I’ve held onto a lot of anger and blame with this person because they have a tendency to not show up for me when I feel I need them most, take advantage of others on a regular basis, and love playing the victim. They utilize charm, guilt tactics, and straight up denial to get through life and always find a way out at the last second.
I think it’s safe to assume that our souls were placed so close to one another in this lifetime because we both have lessons to learn from one another. I believe that the same people will likely show up for you over and over until both souls have reached a point where there are no contracts, cords, or teachings left connecting them.
In my spiritual journey during this lifetime, I have tried over. And over. And over to forgive this person. However, I always find an old resentment buried in the depths my being when I, for the millionth time, let them in too close or begin to develop an expectation that they’ll show up and they inevitably don’t. I’ve most definitely cut cords with them before but reattached nearly identical ones, albeit weaker, throughout my entire life.
However, as someone who is now a mother, it is more important than ever to permanently heal this relationship, forgive this person, and let go of any expectations be because they are on their own journey. I can only progress myself.
With the help of Lais and my own inner work, I’ve been focusing on releasing anything attaching me to this person and finding more ways to feel compassionate towards them. As I heal myself, I notice their struggle more and am able to place my focus on how I can help them get through it rather than feeling the bitterness of, “If they had paid attention, or done this correctly, or cared, they wouldn’t be in this spot, or they would be here for me.” I offer assistance and ideas where I can, and in a way that does not limit my own life, without attaching myself to the outcome.
As a parent, I do not want my children to experience me as someone who allows the feelings or actions of others to affect them. I don’t want them to, twenty years from now, reflect on who I am now and see any bitterness or resentment because we can pass those feelings on- they are sticky and contagious. By being a forgiving, compassionate person, I welcome forgiveness and compassion into my children’s lives as well. Our children choose us, just as we choose our parents, and the more healing we achieve before and while we are parents, the better set up we are to guide our kids through this life.
Forgiveness is hard, but it is one of the most valuable lessons we can learn and, in turn, teach our children.